the past is such a hard thing to let go of. I find myself reading things or thinking things that i know in the end will hurt me, but yet i do them regardless. Jealousy over takes me when i know it shouldn't and painful memories haunt me when they are my fault. I wish everything in my life would have played out different. They say that everything bad that happens to you is good because it shapes you into who you are at this moment, but what if you don't like who you are. I am ashamed of the person i have become. There are so many things i want to take back.

Today she looked at me up and down with the eyes like you are such a bitch. What was that? I don't understand. We were good friends... well kinda.... until she probably heard all this bad stuff about me form those 2 boys. But I don't get it the other one is still so nice to me. Is that just a front? I don't know and slowly i am not caring. I am happy for all of them and i hope it all works out for the better.

Yesterday Bill left a awesome surprise on my car a rose. I never had anythign like that happen. It was so nice. I don't know what will all happened with this, maybe the same thing all over again. Or maybe i will finally pull my head out of the ground and realize what i have. Its all up in the air.

flying away... someday soon.... but this time by myself.... 

these past few months have been nothing but trials for me.... needless to say i have learned a lot. I learned that more than ever i have taken things for granted. I treat people horrible. I think about my past a lot and about how much i have messed things up lately. There are so many things i wish i could change or do all over again. But what is done is done and there is nothing i can do about it now. But say sorry and truely with all my heart and soul mean it and i do. When i say sorry now i do, truely whole heartedly mean it.

My soul is hungry for a good solid relationship with someone. It seems like all i really want now is a good boyfriend but all i seem to get is dicked over. I fall for guys who turn out to be assholes in the end. I guess its me just falling to fast and wanting to much. I find myself think about the guys who i should be over by now. But i miss what i had. I missed the undying love i had. I don't think i will ever find that feeling again. Oh how my soul longs for it. We will see how this next one plays out...

long time...

emotions of course at an all time high lately... so many things right now that could happen and i don't know what to do.

i think a lot lately. i realize i don't really have a friend to vent to anymore. the only one person never listens or jumps to their own story. i just really feel all alone. i attached myself to some people i never should have, cause now it only caused me pain. oh well such is life....  i am going to make the best of this weekend and hopefully something good will come of it....

its been awhile.... a long while...

memories are all we have left
of a past so easily missed kept
wishing so bad to be young once more
watching my heart as it falls to the floor

I'm emotionally stuck. I don't know what to do, there are so many choices but so many wrongs. I know inside what i really want but i know thats just a dream in and of itself. I have been hurt by the person i trusted with all my life, and he backstabbed me. It broke my heart into ten thousand pieces. I hurt someone in the process and i don't know what to say.

this smile is quickly fading....

three things in life that are constant.... 1. everything is complicated and confusing 2. life sucks 3. nothing ever stays the same....